arachne8x: (Default)
Hello sage of wisdom and mirth.

Yes Geology rocks and the Fifth Element rules....

Starship troopers? Hmmm.... not certain.

Next time you comment pen your name or a handle I know you by at the end.

Else I may have to turn off anonymous commenting.

insomnia

Feb. 23rd, 2003 08:46 am
arachne8x: (Default)
I don't know who I am anymore
its exhausting
I keep finding pieces of myself
and I try to get them to fit
circular puzzle
matte finish
and I can't make out the design
bitterness and frustration
swirling in a my spinning mind
rising to the top
and I am afraid
of what the picture might be
when my eyes clear
wrecked on the shore
of sleeplessness
the tide creeps up
and slides down
and I want it to carry me away
to rock me and lull me
drifting on the waves
further out to sea
could I find rest?

-----------------

sparkling in the light
your gift a jewel
and my first reaction
is to search for flaws

I'm on a teeter-totter
up when you are down
down while you soar
my trust waxes and wanes
with that hunk of rock out there

I trust you
I trust me
its the damn future I don't trust
everytime I see clear water
there's an invisible tempest lurking

wait it out with me?
arachne8x: (Default)
I have been talking to a lot of people in the past week who have made me feel like I was being attacked on the basis of my taste in many things including movies, books etc.

I have been told things like "I would rather work than watch tv.... I only watch good tv like the Simpsons and Invader Zim." I have been listening to so many people tell me that my and my friends hobbies are stupid, or that we should be spending our time differently.

Well I say fuck you to that.

I recognize that I have a tendency to be outspoken about films I don't think are good or have gotten too much hype. I have also gotten on an unsturdy soapbox to talk about misogynist lyrics in Eminem's music. So let me state that I apologize if I have made anyone feel the way I have been made to feel this weekend. If you like Eminem you have every right too, I just don't want to buy his music, and there are certain songs I would rather have people not play around me. Etc, etc.

But I am outraged at the fact that when I leave a theater having enjoyed something I immediately get to hear criticisms of the singing, or the dancing or the treatment of the plot. When I told people this weekend that I like the Fifth Element I was informed that it is a horrible movie, with no plot, and no good discernable qualities. Ok, have that opinion if you want, but they laughed at me for liking it and that hurt. And maybe that's how other people feel when I talk about the fact that while I like the Matrix, I don't think its a "good" movie. I hope not, and if so I will quit it.

I am just getting sick of this. I am getting sick of people being on their high horse about people watching tv. People have a right to unwind and if they enjoy tv more power to them. I enjoy it. I like popular shows like, gasp, friends, sex in the city, will and grace, dharma and greg, everybody loves raymond, etc. I don't have an antenna on my tv so we don't get stations in the apt but I like watching shows when I am at my bf's place. I also love law and order and the discovery channel. So fucking what.

There is a certain snobishness that often is attached to the statement "I don't watch tv." Not everyone feels that their personal decision should serve as an example to others, and I am sure most of my friends do not mean it as a criticism of me... but I hate it when people expound on how worthless it is. I see... so playing video games is a better use of time?

And then someone decided to criticize my SO for spending his time painting miniatures instead of coming out with me, someone who had never met my SO, and just decided to criticize him. I knew that my SO (ok whatever its time to call him Aaron I mention him too often not to) wouldn't have time for me this week and I was fine with it. One week out of the year devoted to miniatures painting? I think I can handle that. So its not like I was complaining about Aaron and he chimed in. He just decided that a way to initiate small talk was by criticizing Aaron. Now it could be that the moment the words left his mouth he was mortified and didn't know what to do about it. But it really upset me and it was all I could do not to tell him off which would have certainly ruined the evening for everyone. Then he started talking about the fact that at least miniatures painting was better than tv, and that annoyed me too.

I don't know why so much of this happened in one weekend, and I don't know how to feel or what to do about it, but I am starting to get the impression that most of my friends think that I am an uncultured idiot for liking television and pop music.

Well they can think that if they want.

So here is an apology if I ever made you feel attacked based on your opinions on music, movies, or television. I am certainly going to be more careful about discussing any kind of media with people, make sure that I don't shoot them down, and that if we talk about something I have a strong opinion of that I am not dismissive of what they have to say.
arachne8x: (Default)
Ok ok ok people. I apparently did not communicate well. When I said I think our chapter needs a kick in the ass sometimes I didn't mean the prestige quadrant. I meant that I feel like its often a place where people feel frustrated and disenfranchised. Its often a place where behavior that would not be accepted anywhere else is accepted. Is it just in our chapter? To be honest no. Its all over the org. And that is why I don't fault our coordinator. She is doing what she can to make things work. I just think its time that things stop being ad hoc and by the seat of our pants. There should be well defined consequences and they should be doled out when need be.

That's why I am the ACC in charge of beatings... because I am good at doling out punishment.
arachne8x: (Default)
So I am now my chapter's Prestige Bitch... what I mean is that I am the bitch you have to go through to get the prestige.

I am trying to figure out what is reasonable, what is fair. I would also really like to automate the system for reporting prestfue for the sake of me and the chapter members. To this end I am preparing to write a prestige data base although if I can alter the one I found online I will be happy as well.

Sometimes... actually most of the time I feel like our chapter needs a kick in the ass. I feel like its time for new standards and new strategies.

But what the fuck do I know. If I had to run the chapter everyone would probably vote me out really quickly. Our current Coordinator does a good job of being diplomatic I think and I don't know if that is my strong suit. I am not sure where the balance point is for us... if we were harder on members would things improve or get worse?

I just think that sometimes when the rules are stricter you have people behaing better because what is appropriate is better defined.
arachne8x: (hat)
My laptop is back.
I feel so good because of that fact its really embarrassing. But its nice to have all my ducks in a row again so to speak. Like I hotsynced my Palm today again which is a good thing. It is a very good thing.

life etc

Feb. 19th, 2003 07:04 pm
arachne8x: (Default)
I am still waiting on two things... an office and my laptop. Apparently the woman who was supposed to find me an office is also the woman who is supposed to submit lists of new personnel. I wasn't on the list. I am so frustrated but now there are more people pestering her for me.

And my laptop... the journey continues. They had the wrong serial number for the case number I had so even though they have the machine it took three days to get a new case number. ARGGGHHH!!! So no one has looked at it yet even though it got there Saturday. Apparently tomorrow it should have a case number and then the techs can look at it. Which means I think we are looking at a Monday delivery day at the earliest. I am really glad that tonight is the night everyone hangs out at the captain kidd because being alone in that house with no internet would have sucked.

My SO and I have been having a difference of opinion about whether or not he should be talking to me on the phone when driving. It really scares me, and I am not sure if he understands why. I feel like he thinks I am just being silly, but people die in car crashes a lot, and it scares me that he drives holding onto the cell phone. I tried getting him to buy a hands free but he won't because he keeps saying that he is going to buy a new cell phone soon. I hate worrying about him and pestering him, I wish he could just use a hands free... heck I will buy it for him.

Sigh. The course of love never did run smooth.

yikes

Feb. 19th, 2003 02:41 pm
arachne8x: (Default)
I have been avoiding working on a project because it has looked really scary to me. See I am trying to write what is called a Mex file to make it so I can call a fortran function like I would a Matlab one. Only problem is that the fortran function in question is fairly complicated so the "gateway" function could end up being very complicated. I keep hyperventilating because this is freaking me out. OK I know I need to calm down, but I am not quite sure how to relax. I am about to try again, one variable at a time. Yikes. I hate it when I am so spooked by work.

Edit: 3:03 pm
Ok I have decided I am not going to reinvent the wheel. I am going to do the exercise in Fortran because it is easier that way. I am going to write baby functions in Matlab until I am ready to handle a task this big.
arachne8x: (Default)
I got the sweetest offer from a friend today to help me out of my financial difficulties. I had to say thank you but no. Don't worry friends my finances will get under control. I am doing what I can to get back on my feet and I will not have to start eating ramen.

I have lots of work to do and little motivation.

Ok I am going to turn aim off for a while and email etc too so I can get something done.
arachne8x: (Default)
So for those of you who have not gotten these forwards yet I am including them as lj-cuts. I find them hilarious.

How to survive Vampire Hunters: 52 Survival Tactics for the Undead. )

The Geology Creed )

I am sure later I will have some soul-searching things to say, until then adieu.
arachne8x: (Default)
i am sitting in my friends/neighbor's apt writing on their computer. Sometimes its nice to know people with 8 of them. I am glad not to be at school I will get to read for a few hours! :)

The snow is dreadful but for me serendipitous today.
arachne8x: (Default)
Waiting for 45 min on an open platform for a train is not fun in any weather. Especially not in cold.

I wish I had stayed home.

I had a wonderful weekend full of those tender moments you don't really think people have in "real" life. I know we were not apart long but it felt like we had been for ages. And it was very nice to have a three day weekend to spend with him.. I also went to an opera with friends on Sunday but most of the time we were together.

Last night I watched the pilot and first two episodes of Babylon 5. I enjoyed them (I think these may have been the ones I saw when I was a freshman) and am eagerly awaiting when I get to watch more although that is not going to happen until like next monday.

Sigh why is he going to be out of town on a weekend when it seems nothing is going on?

Something just really seemed to work well. I even slept well 3/4 nights we were together and only abandoned him ans slept in the living room once. That is really good for me.

I bought new winter/hiking boots yesterday. They have a satisfaction guarantee so I waxed them last night and am wearing them today. My last pair of boots lasted me 6 years before I decided to retire them, and now they feel like sox with soles compared to these. These boots are tougher and give me much more support I think. They also go up higher on the ankle. They should be good for working on the boat and hiking since they have vibram soles.

My SO of course _had_ to point out the USGS benchmark mugs so I _had_ to buy them. Sigh.

A good weekend.

I will be going to WHOI tomorrow but have no laptop so will have to get creative to find something to do Wed night.

Weekend

Feb. 15th, 2003 03:22 pm
arachne8x: (Default)
So far the weekend has been nice. I got some lovely flowers from the bf. We are going out for a nice V-day's dinner tonight because this is when I was able to get reservations. I can't wait to get my computer back. It's very frustrating having to beg people to check my email at their apts.

I suppose I will survive for a little while longer.

I am having a horrible feeling of lethargy which would be worse I suppose if it wasn't the weekend.
arachne8x: (Default)
I have been feeling a lot better lately. Cramps and associated miseries nonwithstanding I have felt more alive these past few weeks than I have in a while. I think its because I am being more active about the things that have been worrying such as my finances etc. I have also had the time and energy to do some creative stuff. I am very excited to see my sig other again tomorrow but relieved that this time apart has not been excruciatingly painful. I feel like a shroud of misery and pain has been lifted from me. I like where I am at with life. I like my work and the people I work with. I like where my relationship is and where I imagine it is headed, and I like the fact that I have had some time to relax and be a part of my friends' lives again. Here I am hopeful and happy off to get on the bus.
arachne8x: (Default)
My answers to these amy be more creative than I intended. Hey I'm working with the material I'm given.

Sometimes, I fall down. Is this good, or Bad?

Let us answer first the question is falling good or bad?

It depends. Do you know how to fall? Once I learned how to fall falling was not as bad. The other issue is where are you falling. Off cliffs or high buildings.... bad. Onto feathers... good. Onto pointy sharp things... also bad. In love... bad and/or good depending on with whom. Falling off the wagon... also bad in many ways.

So falling in general, abstractly neither good nor bad. Even falling down, only bad in certain situations.

Did you really find me attractive? :)

Yes, yes I really did. I found you very attractive. I still do. You are a very charismatic person, very tender and strong, and a good roleplayer, all these things attract me.

What's your best/worst memory?

Ok I will pick the most recent pair of these. My worst memory recently was meeting with my advisor about my thesis the day I decided to give up the master's. I felt like I was breaking apart and like I was totally exposed and on trial. Getting out of that situation was a really good thing.

My best memory recently was when my SO and I were walking through the grocery store. I asked him what he wanted for dessert and he said "How about some Ben and Jerry's we haven't done ice cream in a while." The "we" made me feel really special. It was realizing that I was part of a "we" and how happy that I was to be part of it, how good and simple that felt. It was really beautiful and still shines in my memory.

sex book

Feb. 12th, 2003 05:51 pm
arachne8x: (Default)
So I bought a book called Hot Sex: How to do it. I am totally engrossed. I have a monstrous headache but am going to continue to read anyway. I am having no problems with my sex life actually, but I think it never hurts to get more info. I have a tendency to read up on my hobbies and I consider sex one of them. Its interesting so far. Unfortunately the one section where I wanted new tips there weren't any I hadn't tried. So either I'm that good or this book doesn't have that great of advice. Well we shall see. Ok back to reading.

yay

Feb. 12th, 2003 03:54 pm
arachne8x: (Default)
So my first friend outside the US has now joined lj. I am spreading the madness like a whore who doesn't use condoms.
arachne8x: (Default)
Here is a disclaimer from me: I have copied the questions here, however I will change grammar and spelling as I see fit.

What's the reason behind asking for any question?

I think its interesting to see what kind of things people want to ask me. I ask lots of questions of people because I am used to interviewing. I also like to hear people's life stories and their view points on things. Even though it may seem like I like to talk more than anything else I also love to hear people talk about themselves. It seems to me that people don't ask me very many questions. I have seen many people put this poll on their lj's and thought it might be provocative to invite people to quiz me.

Do you like having big boobs? (really deep, huh)

Yes and no. I would be lying if I said I didn't like the fact that my boobs make me feel sexy and sometimes I enjoy the comments I get, or looks I get based on them. However, too much makes me feel like all I am is a frame for my boobs. I don't like it if people overdo discussion of them. I also hate having to deal with them when working out, and when trying on some clothes. Most sports bras suck and its expensive to get good ones. I worry about them sagging so for me support is a big issue. I am going to start strengthening my pecs to try to avoid that problem. I also hate the fact that many cute things are made for women with small boobs. I used to hate having such big ones and used to hide them in over sized shirts. This did not work and made me look fat instead, but it was a defense technique I adopted after being sexually harassed by some guys that creeped me out in high school. Then after awhile I started liking my body better. Now I feel that people will notice my boobs, its kind of unavoidable so I wear what ever I like.

What's the nastiest thing you've ever done?

I think the nastiest thing I ever did was not invite a friend to my graduation party (ha ha I know that is not the kind of answer you wanted... learn to ask more specific questions... aren't you pissed you wasted yours on that?) She had been my best friend in high school but during college she was never there for me. She was also the kind of person who always made sure she got all the attention at parties. I really didn't want her there... it still makes me feel guilty but I decided I didn't want to invite her.
arachne8x: (Default)
I am going to mosey on down to harvard square since the weather is improving to try to buy a new ring for my navel piercing. I am feeling much better today and am down to using only one tylenol with codeine. I have some pain but I no longer feel like someone has got my innards in a vise grip.

Yesterday was really a waste when it came to getting work done but I had a nice time hanging out with one of my favorite neighbors . We talked about a lot of things.

I have been in this intense state of creativity. I keep wanting to make things. I made banana bread last night and will probably make more tonight. I wonder why I am so twitchy.

I am going to try to finally get the modeling stuff done this afternoon that I have been meaning to do for the last week. I think I can get the Bessel Function integration working ok if I put my mind to it.
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