Reflecting....

There is this really nice guy that I am supposed to go on a date with soon. Lst night I seemed to be flirting with everyone but him. It makes me wonder if at some level that was intentional. He is a sweet guy and I love to hang out with him... but as most of you know I haven't dated anyone in a really long time. Its been over four years since my last relationaship, and the last prospect I had committed suicide. That is enough to make anyone pause.

So the thing is that although I know a date is just a date... I have been kinda wondering if I am ready to try something else, something more serious. Not necessarily with this person... but maybe with him. I don't know. It makes my head hurt honestly because I am confused. I know several people in couples right now. Several people that are happily living together or together in general. People who are lending eachother support, and celebrating successes, mourning failures together. It sounds nice to tell you the truth. Some days I do wish that there was someone who made me their top priority. Someone who cared about me that much. It sounds nice in theory. But I know the reality isn't all sunshine and moonbeams. And I really don't know if I even have the time and energy to give to someone like that. I feel weary much of the time. I have lots of friends and I try to be involved in their lives because it is something I want to do. I am afraid of losing that. I am afraid of not having time for them. I am afraid of not having time for myself. And I have also been around people recently going through breakups. I know from experience how shattering those can be. Right now I don't know if I am willing to risk it.
I realize I am over-analyzing.... and the whole date thing is just the catalyst for this post... not for the thoughts that run through my head. I just sometimes wonder if there is something wrong with me for not wanting to be with someone. I feel behind the times. The other grad students I know for the most part are in couples... and are starting to lead more of what I call a "grownup" life. And while I do not think I should get into a relationship simply to be in one sometimes I wonder why this is something that scares me so.
I wonder if I fucked things up last night. I wonder if he thinks I am uninterested in him. To be honest I don't know what is going on. I just know that I am confused and I am worried that I have hurt him. Although probably his ego is not that fragile. I shouldn't kid myself... I don't think every thing I do has consequences that are that severe.
So that's it. Rambly and thoroughly self-absorbed. Later.

Overactive Guilt Complex

I wish I didn't have such an overactive guilt complex. Is it because I am Catholic or because I am a teacher's daughter?
I don't know... I worry about things that aren't really problems because I have a weird sense of duty. I feel like there are all kinds of things that aren't really technically wrong but I feel slimy about them.
I know this is vague but it is intentionally so.