morning

So I feel prety good this morning. Turned in my keys to the old place last night. Glad that fucking nightmare is overwith. I have food in my fridge and my cupboard. Not really all the ingredients I would like, but its getting there. My room is organized and I am getting rid of my eighth bag of extraneous clothes this weekend. I know. I am disgusted with myself too for having had that many clothes. Now I feel like things are starting to fall into place. Will have a cable modem starting monday, and everything is done with the old place.

Thesis still blows but what else is new.

I am thinking I might try to take a class at the Woods Holw Oceanographic Institute which has a joint program with my dept. Could be fun.

So I am pensive. Why? Because someone new is a part of my life all of a sudden. It really happened before I realized it was happening. I was too distracted by everything else to notice. I am glad, but also scared.

I guess one problem is that being the single girl was at one point a big part of my identity. Being "one of the guys" and just being by myself. Sure it was lonely sometimes but I was used to it. I used to watch my friends couple up and I would say to myself... "I'm not opposed to the idea, I'm just not ready yet." My scars and wounds feel like they might start bleeding again any moment.

And now I have to switch gears a little. Not completely but just a little. The truth is that if this is going to work out he is going to have to trust me. I am very trustworthy and honest, and I don't deal well with jealousy. So in a lot of ways maybe things won't change that much. I still will rp and hang out with friends. I will still go dancing... once my knee has healed. I will still be a grad student with all the hell that that entails. It just means I have to trust someone a little more than maybe I want to. And although that is scary I think maybe I am ready for it now. maybe.

So I ran into the chaplain for the lutheran ministry here on campus on the T today. For those of you that don't know I have been going on and off to the lutheran/episcopal ministry and their bible studies. I am not what I would call intensely religious. People ask me what religion am I and I don't know what to answer. Am I Catholic because I was confirmed in the church. Lutheran because I attend services there? Epsicopal because I feel most comfortable in their beliefs? Christian? probably not. I don't believe that Christ is the only way to God. I am what I would call intensely spiritual. I believe that religion is what we use to bring ourselves closer to God. That's right I feel that religion is for man, not for God. And do I believe in the christian god? To a certain extent. I believe that there are many truths, and anything that could create a universe of such infinite complexity and variety must also be infinitely complex.

I believe in a few simple things, love, honesty and kindness.

Love: I believe that love is truly divine. But I believe in a love that includes love for yourself. Love for others and oneself. Its difficult to balance. But as I have said in here before without love for yourself you can't give it to anyone else either.

Honesty: I believe in being as completely honest as you can. Now I am not saying that I disclose everything to my parents. Nor am I saying that you should never filter what you say. But in the end I believe in full disclosure even when it is uncomfortable when you are faced with a situation that you know someone should know something. In other words, not telling something is in some ways also lying. I do my best not to deceive.

Kindness: I believe in treating people kindly most of the time. Sure I can be rude and down right mean, but I believe in trying to be kind to people unless you have ample reason not to be. And even then I try to be nice. Emphasis on the try. I have a very long fuse, but when you get to the end of it I can't hold back. Luckily I haven't had to deal with that for a while.

So what am I? What label is there for me? Where do I wish to worship? What do I wish to worship? I wouldn't say that I am still seeking, I would say that I find a connection with the spirit in many places with many people under many names. And right now I am happy to be me and to sometimes share with others the way they try to connect with the divine force in the universe and the divinity within themselves.

Ok this has been a very introspective post. I hope you enjoyed it.

And so from the Lutheran liturgy a blessing I have always liked:

The LORD bless you and keep you;
The LORD make His face shine upon you, And be gracious to you;
The LORD lift up His countenance upon you, And give you peace.

Amen

Stuff...

So I am sitting around reinstalling Win 2000 on my computer. Apparently I didn't do a clean install before so lots of things aren't working right. Dammit. Wish someone had told me to do a clean install before.

Of course this is boring as fuck.

And now I will have to reload the software again.

Ahh well by now I am good at it.

So I have been reading my friends journals and hear lots of them talking about their chars. How they feel about them. Whether they are bored with them etc. I feel a little guilty to say that I am still enjoying mine. Although my torrie is fluffy and can sometimes be a pain to play I like her. I have created two other chars for rp. With one her sire's player decided that he didn't want to play the sire anymore. Before I even got a chance to bring her into game play. But one of my friends says that she might make a sire for her. We will see what happens. Another char idea is a ghoul. Unfortunately before I play her it would be nice if her regnant was approved and he is waiting for a sire. Ahem. Well in any case if I get sick of my char I can always play npcs. BTW a friend of mine is coming to visit during the next CM game. Anyone have an npc they need played? I would have him play my chars mortal friend Vanessa but I don't think he would fit into any of her clothes.