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I feel like I have lost a strong connection with some of my friends. It is not because of the boyfriend. This has been going on all summer. And it pains me.
Part of it is that I want to be part of their lives. Part of it is that I cannot feel them as strongly, and I cannot ease their pain in this time. I miss them so much. But how do I solve this problem? I cannot meet them for lunch. I cannot drive there to buy them a drink. I feel like I cannot reach them physically and that connection to me is important.
I have always been a sort of healer. I have always been someone people confide in, someone who tries to straighten the gnarls in someone's fabric so that they can be free.
But now I have a whole other kind of life in front of me. There is someone to whom I feel more strongly connected than I ever have in a long while. I feel them so vibrantly, and I wish to be with them, to share the paths we are taking with oneanohter. And that means giving up some things. Does it mean giving up the time to see my other friends? Not necessarily. Does it mean giving up the time I used to have to myself? Not necessarily. Does it mean interfering with my work or my workouts? Not necessarily. But somehow, someway I must find a way to balance myself again. I feel pulled in one thousand directions, and everything I used to be a part of is important to me. And how can I be myself without all these things. But this is what relationships are. You give a little, and you gain a windfall. As one of my mentors has said to me, I need to find a balance, I need to find peace.
I feel like my web is tenuous. I feel like it might crumble without constant ministration. Can it be possible that those I have connected to me will be there whether I renew the threads constantly or not? Can it be that I will still feel them tug upon me when they need aid, and that I will still feel them in times of pain or joy? I am unsure. I hope so. I hope my thread is strong enough. And while I scramble to try to find a way to keep strong my connections across this expanse I ask bear and raven to help me find peace. The little scurrying one needs some patience and clarity. She needs a quiet place inside herself, else spinning my web like a whirling dervish I will destroy the beauty of my creation.
I know this sounds melancholy and it kind of is. But I feel that it is good. It is a feeling that will lead me to find a way to find balance.
And darlin, if you are reading this realize this is not about you. Its about me adjusting to find a place in my life for all the things that are important in it. I know that you would want nothing other than this, and I know that you will be here for me while I try to figure things out.
Part of it is that I want to be part of their lives. Part of it is that I cannot feel them as strongly, and I cannot ease their pain in this time. I miss them so much. But how do I solve this problem? I cannot meet them for lunch. I cannot drive there to buy them a drink. I feel like I cannot reach them physically and that connection to me is important.
I have always been a sort of healer. I have always been someone people confide in, someone who tries to straighten the gnarls in someone's fabric so that they can be free.
But now I have a whole other kind of life in front of me. There is someone to whom I feel more strongly connected than I ever have in a long while. I feel them so vibrantly, and I wish to be with them, to share the paths we are taking with oneanohter. And that means giving up some things. Does it mean giving up the time to see my other friends? Not necessarily. Does it mean giving up the time I used to have to myself? Not necessarily. Does it mean interfering with my work or my workouts? Not necessarily. But somehow, someway I must find a way to balance myself again. I feel pulled in one thousand directions, and everything I used to be a part of is important to me. And how can I be myself without all these things. But this is what relationships are. You give a little, and you gain a windfall. As one of my mentors has said to me, I need to find a balance, I need to find peace.
I feel like my web is tenuous. I feel like it might crumble without constant ministration. Can it be possible that those I have connected to me will be there whether I renew the threads constantly or not? Can it be that I will still feel them tug upon me when they need aid, and that I will still feel them in times of pain or joy? I am unsure. I hope so. I hope my thread is strong enough. And while I scramble to try to find a way to keep strong my connections across this expanse I ask bear and raven to help me find peace. The little scurrying one needs some patience and clarity. She needs a quiet place inside herself, else spinning my web like a whirling dervish I will destroy the beauty of my creation.
I know this sounds melancholy and it kind of is. But I feel that it is good. It is a feeling that will lead me to find a way to find balance.
And darlin, if you are reading this realize this is not about you. Its about me adjusting to find a place in my life for all the things that are important in it. I know that you would want nothing other than this, and I know that you will be here for me while I try to figure things out.
