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Frustration
Sep. 23rd, 2002 09:33 amso today is supposed to be a student holiday. What that means is no classes. And even so I am obligated to go in. I know that as a grad student I am supposed to be paying my dues for the future pay off but I don't feel motivated right now. I am working on a project and am utterly stuck. And no one has offered me any real advise. I keep getting struck with the double edged sword. When I get stuck like this later on my advisor will tell me that I should have come to him about it. And recently when I did he said well you are going to have to figure that out for yourself won't you.
The truth is that the reason I don't want to go in today is because I don't want to get yelled at by him. I know if I am there he will give me guff for leaving early on friday or some other nonsense. It makes me mad that by being a good ta I get in trouble. For no apparent reason he doesn't want the students to work on fast computers. I should never have told them they are allowed to. Whatever. We learned the hard way last year that the only way to get those assignments done with any speed is to do them on fast computers.
I have been teaching the students all kinds of things about matlab and helping them figure out how to think about these problems. But I will never get credit for it.
And so I am feeling sorry for myself. Maybe my roomie is right and I should go in the second half of the day. At least then I could try to make some headway on the homework.
I am completely unmotivated and want a few hours for myself today to do what I want.
I had a terrific roleplaying weekend and now I need to find some way to recover from it. I need some me time which I am brazenly taking right now. Tomorrow I am going to hit the books hard core but right now I need some rest and maybe later I will look over the program for my thesis. I wish inspiration would hit and I could figure this out. I feel so stupid for not knowing the answer.
sigh.
I am being selfish and not doing what I am supposed to. I am a bad grad student because I am in a hostile environment at school and that makes me unhappy. I was a good grad student before things starting going bad between my advisor and I.
So here I go shamelessly watching a film in my pjs in the middle of the day. I refuse to condemn myself anymore.
The truth is that the reason I don't want to go in today is because I don't want to get yelled at by him. I know if I am there he will give me guff for leaving early on friday or some other nonsense. It makes me mad that by being a good ta I get in trouble. For no apparent reason he doesn't want the students to work on fast computers. I should never have told them they are allowed to. Whatever. We learned the hard way last year that the only way to get those assignments done with any speed is to do them on fast computers.
I have been teaching the students all kinds of things about matlab and helping them figure out how to think about these problems. But I will never get credit for it.
And so I am feeling sorry for myself. Maybe my roomie is right and I should go in the second half of the day. At least then I could try to make some headway on the homework.
I am completely unmotivated and want a few hours for myself today to do what I want.
I had a terrific roleplaying weekend and now I need to find some way to recover from it. I need some me time which I am brazenly taking right now. Tomorrow I am going to hit the books hard core but right now I need some rest and maybe later I will look over the program for my thesis. I wish inspiration would hit and I could figure this out. I feel so stupid for not knowing the answer.
sigh.
I am being selfish and not doing what I am supposed to. I am a bad grad student because I am in a hostile environment at school and that makes me unhappy. I was a good grad student before things starting going bad between my advisor and I.
So here I go shamelessly watching a film in my pjs in the middle of the day. I refuse to condemn myself anymore.
