morning

So today I woke up and was happy. Cheerful even at 6:30. The boy was astonished, so was I. I have been happy so much lately and I would like to give him all the credit but I can't say that would be right.

Don't get me wrong he is one of the major contributors to this happiness but there have been lots of other reasons.

The main thing is that I ditched my Job complex. I am referring to the biblical Job who was tested by God and Satan to see if he would stay true to his god. For a while I said I felt like him. I felt like each time I had come anywhere near recovering from the last blow another came down. My issues with my advisor, my computers breaking, my leg, issues with the move, these all came all at once. None of them are finished yet. I still have to pick up my bike from the old place. Today I finally ship off the old Toshiba so they can send me the new. I am waiting to hear from Woods Hole about school and physical therapy three times a week is what I am doing for my hamstring.

Things haven't really gotten that much easier. But in the end I decided that I wasn't the object of some weird cosmic experiment. That in the end bad stuff was happening to me but it wasn't anything I couldn't handle.

They say that God helps those who help themselves. I don't know about that. But I think that we each have within us the ability to help ourselves at least a little.

My shrink and I talked a while ago about the troubles I was having. And I cried right there in her office. I had never done that before and it was hard, crying in front of a stranger like that. She said that it sounded like all the things that were troubling me were things beyond my control. She was right. I had been thinking for a while that some how I had screwed up and called these things upon myself some how. That maybe I should not have worked out that hard. That maybe my difficulty with my advisor and thesis was all my fault. The idea that maybe not all of it was my fault was an important realization for me.

I think maybe trying to do something for Christmas in the City has also helped. One of my friends and I back home have a little game we play when we get too whiney, its called I got it so bad. It goes like this... I will say, "You know I got it so bad that my folks care so much about me that they want to talk to me all the time."

And he will say "Well I got it so bad that my brand new car is hard to park in compact spaces."

Its a method we use to remind ourselves of how often what seems to be a major problem is actually maybe a result of a good thing. I am really lucky. I have never gone hungry nor not had a place to live. I have parents that love me and would drop anything to do anything for me. I have really terrific friends all around the world who try to support me.

I was blessed with a good brain and the drive and desire to do everything with it I can. I have a pretty strong body that right now is in the shop, but I have always been able bodied. These are things I start to take for granted sometimes.

I just got done reading this book called _I Know This Much Is True_ Warning: it is very engrossing. That is basically what the book is about. Someone who goes through a lot and has a serious Job complex. And its about him finding a way out of his misery. Its good, read it if you have some time.

I am extremely lucky to have found someone in the midst of my misery. And he has been great.

The sum total of this is I am pretty happy now. Not everything is resolved and I doubt the road ahead is smooth but I don't feel as hopeless anymore.