(no subject)
Jun. 7th, 2002 09:25 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
arachne8xLOVE ARGGGHH!!
So maybe _I_ should not be the one spouting off about this as my experience is limited and I have not been in love for a long time.... but I have had three serious relationships and I have spent a along time single (and happily so) so here goes.
The truest thing I have ever read in a book is from _The Fountainhead_ by Ayn Rand. In a scene with Howard Roark and Dominique, Howard says "You can't say I love you, until you can say the word I." This is one of my mottos for life. You can't truly give anything of yourself until you know and love who you are without them. After all Christ said "Love your neighbor as you love yourself." As you love yourself. Not more than yourself. Not "I am only worthwhile because of my devotion to you."
People!! Stop buying movie and romance novel bullshit. Sacrifice != Love. Sometimes you do sacrifice for someone you love. But to be in a healthy and happy relationship you cant sacrifice your whole self.
I have been there. I thought that love was worth every sacrifice. My love for over a year and a half wanted to end it and I tried to make him stay. I fell for the line "I will know that you love me if." I betrayed myself and all I believed in. And in the end he broke up with me anyway.
Then I took him back. I gave up everything for him. My friends saw it so clearly but I wouldn't believe him. I gave up liking myself for who I was, and replaced it with liking myself for who I was to him. I gave up feeling pretty and feeling safe. In the end I think if he had hit me I wouldn't have done a blessed thing. I was already beaten enough inside.
I tell you this so that you know that I have been there. This isn't holier than thou talk.. this is from someone who has been in the trenches.
The next boyfriend I had was exactly the opposite. He worshipped me and his life had meaning because I was in it. He hated himself and had considered suicide many times. Do you know how scary it is to break up with someone knowing that? But in the end the pedestal I was on was too high. I couldn't handle being someone's reason for being. I am not telling this to be conceited.. I am explaining that I have been on both sides.
Why couldn't he keep me? Because in the end he had nothing to give me. I was in a romance with a devotee.. not a lover. I can't be anyone's goddess.
So I have spent over four years alone. I tried to date someone. I thought that we were heading somewhere because he wanted me to meet his family and friends from home.
Then he committed suicide.
So yes I am jaded and maybe even fearful of loving and losing. But I can tell you this much... I like me. After lots of time alone and feeling empty because I had no one I like me the way that I am. I like spending time by myself. I am proud of who I am. It was a hard long road but I can look at a future alone and it doesn't seem empty or tragic.
I am not saying that I will never find love again. I am saying that if I do I think I will finally be ready for it.
I know that it is rare for people to learn from other's mistakes but listen to me anyway. Giving up a piece of yourself is not love. Sure people need to compromise and learn not to be totally selfish. But you need to be a little selfful. This is a word that I have created because of the negative connotations of selfish... (english majors eat your heart out) It means to do the things you need to do to live your own life, and fulfill your own destiny. To act in your own interest. It doesn't mean to never think of others, but it means to remember that in the end those people are in a relationship with you.. and if you let yourself fade away there is no other half to that relationship.
"To thine own self be true............." if you don't know who said it.. get some culture man.
So maybe _I_ should not be the one spouting off about this as my experience is limited and I have not been in love for a long time.... but I have had three serious relationships and I have spent a along time single (and happily so) so here goes.
The truest thing I have ever read in a book is from _The Fountainhead_ by Ayn Rand. In a scene with Howard Roark and Dominique, Howard says "You can't say I love you, until you can say the word I." This is one of my mottos for life. You can't truly give anything of yourself until you know and love who you are without them. After all Christ said "Love your neighbor as you love yourself." As you love yourself. Not more than yourself. Not "I am only worthwhile because of my devotion to you."
People!! Stop buying movie and romance novel bullshit. Sacrifice != Love. Sometimes you do sacrifice for someone you love. But to be in a healthy and happy relationship you cant sacrifice your whole self.
I have been there. I thought that love was worth every sacrifice. My love for over a year and a half wanted to end it and I tried to make him stay. I fell for the line "I will know that you love me if." I betrayed myself and all I believed in. And in the end he broke up with me anyway.
Then I took him back. I gave up everything for him. My friends saw it so clearly but I wouldn't believe him. I gave up liking myself for who I was, and replaced it with liking myself for who I was to him. I gave up feeling pretty and feeling safe. In the end I think if he had hit me I wouldn't have done a blessed thing. I was already beaten enough inside.
I tell you this so that you know that I have been there. This isn't holier than thou talk.. this is from someone who has been in the trenches.
The next boyfriend I had was exactly the opposite. He worshipped me and his life had meaning because I was in it. He hated himself and had considered suicide many times. Do you know how scary it is to break up with someone knowing that? But in the end the pedestal I was on was too high. I couldn't handle being someone's reason for being. I am not telling this to be conceited.. I am explaining that I have been on both sides.
Why couldn't he keep me? Because in the end he had nothing to give me. I was in a romance with a devotee.. not a lover. I can't be anyone's goddess.
So I have spent over four years alone. I tried to date someone. I thought that we were heading somewhere because he wanted me to meet his family and friends from home.
Then he committed suicide.
So yes I am jaded and maybe even fearful of loving and losing. But I can tell you this much... I like me. After lots of time alone and feeling empty because I had no one I like me the way that I am. I like spending time by myself. I am proud of who I am. It was a hard long road but I can look at a future alone and it doesn't seem empty or tragic.
I am not saying that I will never find love again. I am saying that if I do I think I will finally be ready for it.
I know that it is rare for people to learn from other's mistakes but listen to me anyway. Giving up a piece of yourself is not love. Sure people need to compromise and learn not to be totally selfish. But you need to be a little selfful. This is a word that I have created because of the negative connotations of selfish... (english majors eat your heart out) It means to do the things you need to do to live your own life, and fulfill your own destiny. To act in your own interest. It doesn't mean to never think of others, but it means to remember that in the end those people are in a relationship with you.. and if you let yourself fade away there is no other half to that relationship.
"To thine own self be true............." if you don't know who said it.. get some culture man.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
wee!
Date: 2002-06-07 01:58 pm (UTC)Who said that? :)
no subject
Date: 2002-06-08 01:34 pm (UTC)Hamlet Act 1, Scene 3
Date: 2002-06-10 03:02 pm (UTC)...
Neither a borrower nor a lender be;
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.
This above all: to thine ownself be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Re: Hamlet Act 1, Scene 3
Date: 2002-06-10 03:07 pm (UTC)Selfful...
Date: 2002-06-10 03:49 pm (UTC)Self-interest and balance allow a person to make the world a better place. Self-interest means you have *more* to give. It's just more efficient; who'd argue with that?