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Jun. 12th, 2002 04:11 amSo a little less reactionary now I sit down to the keys again. Breathe out. I reevaluated what has been happening and I did a little reconnaissance. Looks like maybe I have not so much been lied to but someone out there is definately confused.
I think I need to explain. I would almost rather be physically attacked by someone than lied to. I get really angry when I think people have mislead me. Why? Because I don't trust that easy. I don't let people in that easy. I have been burned before and I shy away from the fire. When someone misleads me I start to question all the people I have trusted. I start to become paranoid and wonder if anyone ever really told me the truth or ever really cared for me. As weird as it sounds I am the kind of person that starts to wonder if everyone is actually just putting up with me. When something like this happens I feel dumb for trusting anyone. I have trust issues. If I didn't I might not be a committmentphobe. But its hard to trust people when someone you loved took their own life. I feel like letting go of the control and letting someone in is just going to hurt too much. Maybe this journal is too personal but its 3:52 in the fucking morning.
But be that as it may I really don't know what happened. Maybe it is all one unfortunate mistake. I hope that it is.
So am I still hurt? In some ways yes. I always tell people that in the end too much information is better than too little. I tried to explain to the person involved that confusion could happen and recommended that they preempt it with some conversation. It makes me really mad that they didn't but I am a little relieved to see that they did not totally lie to me.
It is so easy to run away from conflict. We all do it all the time. I do it all the time. I avoid the lab so that I won't see my advisor which was childish and stupid and ended up costing me a week of work. I see so many people I care about doing it in their friendships and relationships. They don't want to rock the boat.... or maybe they are just too mad to talk about it right now. They let the wounds fester. They don't discuss things. Then someone gets screwed because you have held on to all that hatred and it explodes.
I have two friends in this situation and neither will budge to talk to the other. It hurts me to see them do this. I think from what I have heard from both sides independently (as in without discussing the conflict but just from casual conversations) suggests that an hour conversation would clear up the matter and heal the wound. But neither of them will do it. I sit here holding most of the cards without being able to buy my way into the game. In the end I really don't want to be the reason that this rift is healed. I don't want to interfere and have that be the only reason it is resolved. I wish the two parties involved would talk. It hurts me to see both in such pain.
So bewildered and a little scared I will go find my bed again.
I think I need to explain. I would almost rather be physically attacked by someone than lied to. I get really angry when I think people have mislead me. Why? Because I don't trust that easy. I don't let people in that easy. I have been burned before and I shy away from the fire. When someone misleads me I start to question all the people I have trusted. I start to become paranoid and wonder if anyone ever really told me the truth or ever really cared for me. As weird as it sounds I am the kind of person that starts to wonder if everyone is actually just putting up with me. When something like this happens I feel dumb for trusting anyone. I have trust issues. If I didn't I might not be a committmentphobe. But its hard to trust people when someone you loved took their own life. I feel like letting go of the control and letting someone in is just going to hurt too much. Maybe this journal is too personal but its 3:52 in the fucking morning.
But be that as it may I really don't know what happened. Maybe it is all one unfortunate mistake. I hope that it is.
So am I still hurt? In some ways yes. I always tell people that in the end too much information is better than too little. I tried to explain to the person involved that confusion could happen and recommended that they preempt it with some conversation. It makes me really mad that they didn't but I am a little relieved to see that they did not totally lie to me.
It is so easy to run away from conflict. We all do it all the time. I do it all the time. I avoid the lab so that I won't see my advisor which was childish and stupid and ended up costing me a week of work. I see so many people I care about doing it in their friendships and relationships. They don't want to rock the boat.... or maybe they are just too mad to talk about it right now. They let the wounds fester. They don't discuss things. Then someone gets screwed because you have held on to all that hatred and it explodes.
I have two friends in this situation and neither will budge to talk to the other. It hurts me to see them do this. I think from what I have heard from both sides independently (as in without discussing the conflict but just from casual conversations) suggests that an hour conversation would clear up the matter and heal the wound. But neither of them will do it. I sit here holding most of the cards without being able to buy my way into the game. In the end I really don't want to be the reason that this rift is healed. I don't want to interfere and have that be the only reason it is resolved. I wish the two parties involved would talk. It hurts me to see both in such pain.
So bewildered and a little scared I will go find my bed again.
