Potpourri - Non sequiters and Non-linearity

Subject #1:
Watched Donnie Darko last night. Hmmm. I enjoyed it. I am not sure how much yet. I am still thinking about it. It is definately World of Darkness themed. It takes place in the 1980's which is scary enough as it is. It is produced by Drew Barrymore, I wonder if she is some kind of closet goth?

The last song in the movie is a cover of the Tears for Fears song Mad, Mad World. The original is kinda peppy and happy sounding... the cover is more disturbing and seems to suit the lyrics better.

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had

Anyway I don't want to spoil the film for those who haven't seen it. Right now my impression is this... if you haven't seen Memento what are you fucking waiting for... go rent the movie its excellent and thought provoking. If you haven't seen Donnie Darko then maybe you should watch it. Cinematically I am impressed by the film and the attention to detail. The whole thing is well crafted. It presents a lot of interesting ideas. On the other hand I don't know if I like it as much as some of my friends. Like I said I am still thinking about it. Maybe I need to watch again.

Subject #2: Assumptions and Impressions

Its surreal living in a new place. In some ways its hard for me to remember that some of these fairly good friends that I have here have not known me my whole life. Something that all of you should know about me is that I am a very good Chameleon. I fit in and enjoy being part of all kinds of groups.

Example: I used to work at Lonestar Steakhouse and Saloon and go line dancing fairly often. Now I know that if you had told the people that I hung out with there that on the weekends I also put black shit on my eyes and pretend that I am a vampire they would have a heart attack. By the same token people I game with seem to leap back three feet when they find Garth Brooks, Shania Twain and the Dixie Chicks in my cd folders.

I find that picking one archetype is too boring. Many of the people I know are the same way but are a little ashamed about it. Why? I am proud of the fact that any day of the week I can be someone or something else.

Subject 3: Bitching and Moaning

How do you decide how much to bitch and moan about your life? In some ways you don't want to bore/bother anyone with your pain. You want to be able to deal with it all on your own and you don't want to worry or bring down your friends. On the other hand. how much can you internalize? Its hard to go it alone and isn't that what friends are for?

I am often the confessor. People come to my house or my office and pour their hearts out. I am glad that my friends trust me so much and that I can support them. To be honest sometimes I wonder who will be there for me when I fall. The reason is not so much because my friends are not the kind of people that I depend on, but more that I am horrible at asking for help. I am one of those people that can't bear to show how messed up I am so I am hoping someone will see it in me anyway and hold me when I need to be held.

I am unsure of whether I should admit this here. Especially since now I am sure many of you are going to be worried that I am having troubles that I am not telling you about. Don't be I am relatively happy right now. I just felt like sharing something a little deeper than usual.

I realize that recently I have been bitching too much and spending to little time just living so I will try to stop garnering pity.

Subject 4: I actually have it pretty good

My live is pretty great. I have a nice cheap apartment for grad students. My roommate is out of town for a while which is nice. I get to go to boxing tonight which is tons of fun and a friend has been visiting me all weekend which has quite frankly been lots of fun.

My happy song right now is Nikka Costa - Everybody Got Their Something

listen to it.... its nice.

Betrayal

I am not sure if I was lied to or if the wasp's nest that I am now caught in is the result of misunderstanding. Either way this happened because someone was not completely honest.

Let me explain. To me completely honest means that you tell someone things that they need to know.... not just not lying. Deception is just as bad as lying and omission is the most cowardly type of deception.

I hope that I am wrong. I hope that this is all a huge misunderstanding because if not then I am losing a friendship. I do not forgive people who lie to me.....

So here is my advice to those who read this:
Stop being so cowardly. Stop avoiding conflict because it scares you when the result is going to be that you are being deceptive. Its better to take your lumps before things get bad then to let things get worse. Have the difficult conversation and deal. Grow up.