Argghhhh...

I was having a good day today. I am packed. Am going out tonight. Was looking forward to things. Now I am pissed.

Why? Because a post that I sent to my chapter of WW made someone mad. I have noticed a trend in our little group that people seem to think its ok to enact explosive theatrics. This includes yelling, interrupting and leaving the meeting in a huff. I have never been a member of a group where this kind of thing is tolerated. Especially a group that is supposed to be friends. So I suggested that we try to be nicer to eachother and respect eachother more. I included myself in this statement because I know I haven't been following the rules.

I am sorry if I pissed someone off... but I don't like going to chapter meetings anymore. I hate the fact that any comment could set someone off... I hate knowing that people are going to disrespect eachother to the extent that we have been doing it. it makes me mad. And if things don't change I won't attend them anymore. The last thing I need after a week of being lectured by my advisor... dealing with poorly written code and questioning whether going to grad school was a mistake in the first place is to have to deal with this shit. The truth is no one has it easy. Human beings make life hard for themselves, even the ones who seem to have it all together. And I refuse to keep my mouth shut about it anymore.

This is my hobby. I get enough aggravation from my real life thank you very much.

If you want a shoulder to cry on about real life stuff I am there for you. If you need someone to let you crash for a couple days in an emergency I am there for you. I am willing to drop anything and everything for the people I call friends. But don't expect me to be patient about childish behavior related to game. Start acting like grownups.

More relaxed

Ok I am feeling more relaxed now. I feel the stress slowly leave my body.

Last night I managed to keep from hitting myself in the eye all night. This meant keeping my chin down. If you are reading this remember that point... keep your chin down. If you do than your guard is more useful. Trust me on this. And don't drop your guard when you duck or do an uppercut.

I am so excited about going home. Yay Rocky Mountains. I have to leave early to do it but that's ok. Will take a dramamine and sleep through the whole 6 hour flight.

I will miss you all a little. But not too much. I am only gone for a week and I am glad to be going.

I think the reason that I am getting so stressed about the org is that I am good at running things. I have managed to make clubs work. I know how to deal with people and how to organize. And in some ways I feel that if I could just put my skills to use I could fix these problems too.

But to be honest someone with my lifestyle can't be in charge right now. I don't even know if I will be able to make it to game next semester much less run things. So I will try to support and suggest as much as I can.

till later.

and stuff....

So I am bored. Waiting for this stuff to finish running on my computer so I can go home. Sigh. Probably will get shit for going hoem early but whatever.

Truth be told I am sick of my advisor telling me that a grad student can't have a real life. Can't go to the movies, or have fun with friends etc. I know plenty of people in relationships who manage to have the time to spend together. I know plenty of people that have hobbies. I am not a typical grad student. I have outside interests... and I also do better in school when I have more to do than just school. I like to think about my research while doing other things. Discuss it with friends and the like. Am I freaked out about having to get all this done by the 8th? Yes. But until all the data is done I can't begin to draw conclusions. I obviously need to be doing some different reading. Well I have ten days when I get back. And I really can't handle this stuff anymore. I will work some while at home but I need to get away from this place.

So I intend to have a life... or find a new place to study. Guess what, grad students are people too.

I am really scared shitless that I won't get done. But to be honest 10 days should be enough. If I can get everything else done by then ten days should be fine. I only have to write like 10 or 12 pages so I should be ok.

I need to have a last minute panic attack before I leave so that I can destress while I am gone.

Breathe in, breathe out. As kwa ja nim says... the secret to life is breathing. I will get this done because I have no choice. No more excuses. No problem.

water trickles here
washes down the craggy stones
rushing by the creek drowns
its song
but still it carves a channel
down the rocks
past the grass
and the sun sparkling through it
blinds me for a minute

can I drink in this place
hold it deep within
find a way to tap back into here
when I feel lost