arachne8x | frustration

My thesis is not going as well as it should right now. I was waiting forever for stuff to get run and the results are crap. I don't know how I will get this shit done on time and I don't know anyway to speed things up.

I am so sick of my leg hurting. It was really painful this weekend. I hope they find something on the MRI that is fixable. This is the third injury I have had where I have been misdiagnosed and its taken much longer to heal beacuse of it. I am sick of it... it always happens when I am starting to get good at something too...

First time was right after I had been promoted in Ballet and gotten the ok to go en pointe. My school was really tough. You had to have perfect technique and strong feet to get en pointe an so I was 13 before I got ok'd. The next day I was in class and during a bar stretch suddenly felt a stabbing pain in the foot I was standing on. After about 3 months they sent me to a specialist and it turned out that the injury was not my ankle like they thought but because I am flat footed I had been pulling a ligament in my foot too much. I went back to ballet after a long recovery, but all it took was one adagio and I was through, my injury threatened to come back my first class. The doctor said I had to quit... (on a side note... I then started taking my jazz classes seriously and after I had gotten the news that I had passed my audition to get into the company I sprained my ankle)

Then I started doing Taekwondo, Kickboxing, and Hapkido. I was also weightlifting. I hurt my shoulder... they thought it was standard tendonitis. After a few months I couldn't even wear a purse, and both shoulders were injured. After about 3.5 months they decided to send me to PT. Then I spent 5 months in PT, and I kept getting better and then being back at square one again. So I went to a specialist. They figured out that I had developed Thorasic Outlet Syndrome because I had not been allowed (nor able) to work out my upper body. Thorasic Outlet Syndrome is when the collection of blood vessels and nerve endings near your armpit get compressed when you slouch. My hands kept going numb and were always cold.. I wore mittens indoors. I also had pain and numbness in my fingers, elbows, and wrists. Once they did osme painful tests they started me on the right kind of PT. I was better in like 3 weeks but haven't been in a Hapkido or Taekwondo class since... mostly because it was my senior year and I don't feel I have the time to commit to something like that out here.

And now this. Argggh. I hope that they figure out what is wrong. The PA is going to read my MRI on Wednesday. I hope she finds something.

I was watching Murder by Numbers last night. And I saw something of myself in the main character. She sleeps with men and then pushes them away. And no one can figure out why. I can tell you why because to a certain extent I did it too... if you just have sex then you can get over the interest... but you don't have to be vulnerable if you don't let them in. Its not healthy but it works and you feel less lonely. And now I have let someone in. I don't want to push him out of bed in the morning, and he is so important to me. I don't know how or why I let my guard down. But I am so glad that I did.