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So I went salsa dancing tonght with my cuban friend. I bought new shoes two days ago with 4.5 in heels. I have never had heels that high. I was frankly scared that I was going to break my leg in them... especially since I have hardly ever been salsa dancing. So far am uninjured... thank god. Next time am wearing my old shoes no matter how tall my partner is.. Once I am more used to walking in those shoes we can think more about dancing in them.

Anyway had a fab time. Wish he wasn't moving back to Georgia. I need to find someone else to go salsa with. Someone who already knows what they are doing. Yeah!!! Had a great time. And I promise from now on I will not wear scary shoes to salsa until I am totally confidant in them.

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LOVE ARGGGHH!!

So maybe _I_ should not be the one spouting off about this as my experience is limited and I have not been in love for a long time.... but I have had three serious relationships and I have spent a along time single (and happily so) so here goes.

The truest thing I have ever read in a book is from _The Fountainhead_ by Ayn Rand. In a scene with Howard Roark and Dominique, Howard says "You can't say I love you, until you can say the word I." This is one of my mottos for life. You can't truly give anything of yourself until you know and love who you are without them. After all Christ said "Love your neighbor as you love yourself." As you love yourself. Not more than yourself. Not "I am only worthwhile because of my devotion to you."

People!! Stop buying movie and romance novel bullshit. Sacrifice != Love. Sometimes you do sacrifice for someone you love. But to be in a healthy and happy relationship you cant sacrifice your whole self.

I have been there. I thought that love was worth every sacrifice. My love for over a year and a half wanted to end it and I tried to make him stay. I fell for the line "I will know that you love me if." I betrayed myself and all I believed in. And in the end he broke up with me anyway.

Then I took him back. I gave up everything for him. My friends saw it so clearly but I wouldn't believe him. I gave up liking myself for who I was, and replaced it with liking myself for who I was to him. I gave up feeling pretty and feeling safe. In the end I think if he had hit me I wouldn't have done a blessed thing. I was already beaten enough inside.

I tell you this so that you know that I have been there. This isn't holier than thou talk.. this is from someone who has been in the trenches.

The next boyfriend I had was exactly the opposite. He worshipped me and his life had meaning because I was in it. He hated himself and had considered suicide many times. Do you know how scary it is to break up with someone knowing that? But in the end the pedestal I was on was too high. I couldn't handle being someone's reason for being. I am not telling this to be conceited.. I am explaining that I have been on both sides.

Why couldn't he keep me? Because in the end he had nothing to give me. I was in a romance with a devotee.. not a lover. I can't be anyone's goddess.

So I have spent over four years alone. I tried to date someone. I thought that we were heading somewhere because he wanted me to meet his family and friends from home.

Then he committed suicide.

So yes I am jaded and maybe even fearful of loving and losing. But I can tell you this much... I like me. After lots of time alone and feeling empty because I had no one I like me the way that I am. I like spending time by myself. I am proud of who I am. It was a hard long road but I can look at a future alone and it doesn't seem empty or tragic.

I am not saying that I will never find love again. I am saying that if I do I think I will finally be ready for it.

I know that it is rare for people to learn from other's mistakes but listen to me anyway. Giving up a piece of yourself is not love. Sure people need to compromise and learn not to be totally selfish. But you need to be a little selfful. This is a word that I have created because of the negative connotations of selfish... (english majors eat your heart out) It means to do the things you need to do to live your own life, and fulfill your own destiny. To act in your own interest. It doesn't mean to never think of others, but it means to remember that in the end those people are in a relationship with you.. and if you let yourself fade away there is no other half to that relationship.

"To thine own self be true............." if you don't know who said it.. get some culture man.

Today's Rant # 2

The moral of this rant is that I don't find it funny when people pretend to be mentally or developmentally disabled.

Why am being so heavy handed about this and ruining everyone's fun? I just don't think that its funny. People who are as lucky as I am and learn and live so easily in our world have no right to find it funny that others are unfortunate enough to have such difficulties. I am sick and tired of highly intelligent people who cannot imagine what it might be like to find even the simple aspects of life difficult. I have been blessed with brains and a body that make it easy for me. Others are not so fortunate. Not only that but you don't know who around you is hearing you joke. Who might have a child or sibling with these difficulties… mocking their pain is not funny.

I am an alumni member of a coed service fraternity called Alpha Phi Omega. One of the projects that my chapter loved to do was to work for Special Olympics as volunteers. I was worried about going to be honest. I am not comfortable around the mentally disabled and was worried that I wouldn't be able to handle it.

I went anyway. I went with the rest of my brothers to Copper Mountain where we cheered on the athletes and helped in any way that we could. I took a lot away with me that day. I saw people for whom life is difficult in so many ways show so much courage and so much spirit. I have never skied. That's right, born and raised in ski country and I have never strapped on a pair of skis. Why? I am not sure. Pretty much it boils down to fear. I mean there are other considerations but I think that is the underlying reason. So understandably I was impressed to see these kids go down the slopes. Not only that, but they cheered eachother on. If things didn't go well and they were having troubles they helped eachother. Time and again they walked up the slope and skied back down. They had so much courage.

I can't say that this experience has made it any easier to spend time with people who are mentally retarded for me. But I have a much larger respect for these people. They don't give up. Now when I go to Mc Donald's and I see someone who is disabled behind the register what I feel toward them is awe. They get up in the morning and go to work. Even though its hard for them they do all they can to make it in today's world. I know plenty of smart people who don't have those kind of balls.

One of my best friends from home worked this summer at a camp for the disabled. She worked with people of all kinds of disabilities… mental, physical, developmental etc. She was the art director and designed projects to give people who are blind and deaf the chance to do art. In talking to her about her experiences there are many gross and sad stories. It is obvious that this job was the biggest challenge she ever had in her life because there were plenty of times when she really didn't want to be there working with these people. But there are also lots of stories of triumph that she tells.

I wish I had her strength and could give of myself unselfishly in that way. In the end I don't think I will ever experience something like that because my fear of not being able to deal with it will stop me. I am proud of her for the work she did and the work she feels committed to do based on this experience.

I don't think that it does us any good to hide our fears of these people and our discomfort with them by making jokes. Especially since I have seen many people that in all other ways I respect make these jokes for hours on end.

Please take this post seriously and think about it seriously. I find that most people zone out if I tell them I don't like something they have done.