Status update
24 hours no percoset - but still super fatigued. I can't complain, having my throat cut open wasn't nearly as bad as expected.
Hard day
Having a massively hard day. I've been nervous and excited since we reduced my pain meds this week. Due to strange things going on in my body I seem to not be menopausal anymore. (Don't know why yet.) The pain is intense enough to keep me horizontal, so I've called the doc to get a prescription for the extra meds until this clears up. I feel like a failure for not being able to tough this out and for not working, even though I know I'm not. And though it seems biologically absurd, part of me wonders if the med change could have caused this (I've had minor amounts of bleeding which makes that seem unlikely.)
Giving myself some TLC and trying to stay positive.
Giving myself some TLC and trying to stay positive.
Swords and Wenches
The sword Aaron got me with the carefully chosen double wrap belt and frog which pivots was shockingly easy to wear. Having huge hips, it's never occurred to me that anyone could wear a sword without it constantly getting in the way, but it turns out you can! I might have been teasing when I asked my own sword in the first place, but having it and knowing how easily I can move in it makes me psyched to wear it in the future. (Also, it makes the pirate costume.)
Entry tags:
Do's instead of Don'ts.... what a difference presentation makes
Fascinatingly, what makes this diet less scary/distressing than the last one is the way I've been presented with the restrictions. Last time I got a list of foods I couldn't eat. So each time I tried to come up with a meal option I found that there was something I couldn't have in the ingredients and it was very depressing.
Having a short allowed foods list actually makes this first week much more restrictive, but also a lot more like iron chef. These are the ingredients at my disposal, and that makes it stress free in some ways because I don't think of things that aren't made from just those ingredients.
This is one of those times that I'm so glad that I'm an inventive cook... if I were recipe bound, this would be very hard.
Having a short allowed foods list actually makes this first week much more restrictive, but also a lot more like iron chef. These are the ingredients at my disposal, and that makes it stress free in some ways because I don't think of things that aren't made from just those ingredients.
This is one of those times that I'm so glad that I'm an inventive cook... if I were recipe bound, this would be very hard.
Eating Adventures!
Eating Adventures - Week 1
I just saw the nutritionist and got the test results from the LEAP test.
Along with peaches, pears, caffeine, garbanzo beans, shrimp, tilapia, and MSG, capsacin is on the super high reaction list.
I have weeks of progressive food trials planned based on the results of my test.
Week 1
I can have any of these foods (and should have all of them)
Lamb
Lentils
Crab
Oat
Buckwheat
Green Peas
Beets
Broccoli
Carrots
Avocado
Cantaloupe
Strawberries
Orange
Cocoa
Cheddar cheese (so scary)
Cashew
Pecan
Mustard
Paprika
Cinnamon
and Honey
I'm glad I like cooking!
I just saw the nutritionist and got the test results from the LEAP test.
Along with peaches, pears, caffeine, garbanzo beans, shrimp, tilapia, and MSG, capsacin is on the super high reaction list.
I have weeks of progressive food trials planned based on the results of my test.
Week 1
I can have any of these foods (and should have all of them)
Lamb
Lentils
Crab
Oat
Buckwheat
Green Peas
Beets
Broccoli
Carrots
Avocado
Cantaloupe
Strawberr
Orange
Cocoa
Cheddar cheese (so scary)
Cashew
Pecan
Mustard
Paprika
Cinnamon
and Honey
I'm glad I like cooking!
PTSD - elmination diet
I'm having a disturbing PTSD type reaction to starting the elimination diet, and it's really been impacting my mood for the last week. Now that I have actual restrictions it's getting worse. I've been depressed and not wanted to do anything. Aaron has noticed that I've been more clingy than usual.
I know that this diet won't be a repeat of what happened last time, because I'm not taking a supplement that is making me sick. Intellectually I know that this is the best chance I have of figuring out someway of making my gut happier. Emotionally I know none of these things.
Emotionally this is the end of happiness and wellness and it's doomed to failure. It isolates me, since I can't eat with other people easily, and (for some reason I can't shake this) it will make Aaron go away. The last is because during the last diet Aaron was in Korea for a couple weeks. I know he's not going to Korea or anywhere else, but try telling that to my emotions.
Top it all off with caffeine withdrawal and I'm just not doing well. Last night I had four chocolate hazelnuts, knowing that I was breaking the caffeine restriction but hoping beyond hope that that small amount might break the headache/funk, and surprisingly it did. I just now had a small square of chocolate hoping for the same benefit. It's still far less caffeine than I've had daily recently, so I'm still tapering off very quickly.
It's an odd thing, this sort of attachment to pain in our history. This inability to believe that what has happened before won't happen again. Recently I've been working very hard on trying to identify and mitigate my tendency towards attachment and how it becomes mania... but right now the methods I'm trying to use aren't helping.
Hopefully seeing my therapist will help. I'm going to email her and make sure she's ready to do hypnosis or something.
All I know is, being miserable about food restrictions (emotionally) could be a self-fulfilling prophecy unless I begin to rapidly feel better when I've started eating in a really restrictive fashion. I really wish this wasn't going on during a stressful work period, but the timing couldn't be helped - I need to feel better and have less flareups so that work will be more possible, so the sooner the better.
I know that this diet won't be a repeat of what happened last time, because I'm not taking a supplement that is making me sick. Intellectually I know that this is the best chance I have of figuring out someway of making my gut happier. Emotionally I know none of these things.
Emotionally this is the end of happiness and wellness and it's doomed to failure. It isolates me, since I can't eat with other people easily, and (for some reason I can't shake this) it will make Aaron go away. The last is because during the last diet Aaron was in Korea for a couple weeks. I know he's not going to Korea or anywhere else, but try telling that to my emotions.
Top it all off with caffeine withdrawal and I'm just not doing well. Last night I had four chocolate hazelnuts, knowing that I was breaking the caffeine restriction but hoping beyond hope that that small amount might break the headache/funk, and surprisingly it did. I just now had a small square of chocolate hoping for the same benefit. It's still far less caffeine than I've had daily recently, so I'm still tapering off very quickly.
It's an odd thing, this sort of attachment to pain in our history. This inability to believe that what has happened before won't happen again. Recently I've been working very hard on trying to identify and mitigate my tendency towards attachment and how it becomes mania... but right now the methods I'm trying to use aren't helping.
Hopefully seeing my therapist will help. I'm going to email her and make sure she's ready to do hypnosis or something.
All I know is, being miserable about food restrictions (emotionally) could be a self-fulfilling prophecy unless I begin to rapidly feel better when I've started eating in a really restrictive fashion. I really wish this wasn't going on during a stressful work period, but the timing couldn't be helped - I need to feel better and have less flareups so that work will be more possible, so the sooner the better.
Days don't get much better than this
I had a lovely smorgasbord style lunch today with a dear friend. I left it feeling revived and happy. It consisted of garden fresh strawberries and peas (donated by my friend), cherries, tomatoes, smoked salmon, assorted cheeses and dark rye. Yum!
Now I am on my way to .Worchester to meet a friend for the Carlos Santana concert. The concert is certain to be damp so there is a reasonably good chance that we will not stay in the pouring rain and will instead just hang out, which would also be nice.
The driver is quite amusing, and is trying to make the announcements funny. I must admit that since I am in a good mood I am enjoying his comic antics.
Now I am on my way to .Worchester to meet a friend for the Carlos Santana concert. The concert is certain to be damp so there is a reasonably good chance that we will not stay in the pouring rain and will instead just hang out, which would also be nice.
The driver is quite amusing, and is trying to make the announcements funny. I must admit that since I am in a good mood I am enjoying his comic antics.
Whe life closes a door
In the Sound of Music, Mother Superior says that when God closes a door he opens a window. Recently life has felt like a corridor of closed doors to me. The things I want to do I couldn't.
Trying to sell some clothes...
I have four nice things that either do not fit me right now, or won't fit me for much longer that I would like to sell.
I am going to include pictures and descriptions of these things behind the cuts.
Let me know if you are interested.
( Women's XL Leather Coat )
( Unisex Medium Biker Jacket )
( Blue and Silver Bodice Large )
Finally I have a Double Breasted Anne Taylor suit. It has a skirt and pants to go with it. The jacket and pants are size 14P, the skirt is size 16. It is made of black knit jersey. The suit has been worn maybe 4 times. It is in excellent condition. I spent around $300 for the whole thing. I will take best offer on this one.
If you know anyone who might be interested in these clothes point them to this entry. I will make this one public viewable.
I am going to include pictures and descriptions of these things behind the cuts.
Let me know if you are interested.
( Women's XL Leather Coat )
( Unisex Medium Biker Jacket )
( Blue and Silver Bodice Large )
Finally I have a Double Breasted Anne Taylor suit. It has a skirt and pants to go with it. The jacket and pants are size 14P, the skirt is size 16. It is made of black knit jersey. The suit has been worn maybe 4 times. It is in excellent condition. I spent around $300 for the whole thing. I will take best offer on this one.
If you know anyone who might be interested in these clothes point them to this entry. I will make this one public viewable.
crystals not fully dissolved - apt hunt halted
Ok so I am starting the experiment with a lower concentration fluid because the crystals were not fully dissolved. However, it looks like it may still work for the time being. The crystal growth seems like it might be rapid enough for my purposes. Hopefully there is enough solute in there to go for a while.
I am trying to become disciplined and quit the apt search until Aaron and I get back from Colorado. I think it would be good for my psyche. So far I have been unable to keep myself from going to the websites but I am hoping with discipline I will be able to resist. If any of you see me trying to look up apartment listings slap me on the hand or something.
I wish that he was (were?) a planner too so that I could just ask him to do it, but he isn't, so until it seems like we it is absolutely necessary for us to look he probably won't. I don't fault him for it any more than he faults me for being psycho planning woman. Its just the way we are.
Its interesting trying to figure out why people are the way that they are. Two of my friends are of the opinion that I may be a highly functioning ADD person. Apparently I exhibit many of the patterns of behavior both ascribed to this disorder, and suggested as coping mechanisms for it.
I dunno. In any event, if I am, so far it hasn't really hurt me any. I am a little manic sometimes and have a difficult time working sometimes, but it really hasn't ruined my working life or my social relationships.
I am going dancing this weekend at Manray and to the Matrix afterward. It should be fun. I am going to get all gothed up and Aaron couldn't be more excited. I accused him of wanting to show me off, and he said "Is that bad?" I told him I guessed not.
I am a bit curious to see how the evening will go. I will be interacting with someone I haven't seen in a long time, and relations were very strained between the two of us for a while (to put it mildly). I am hoping that the two of us can have fun and find a way to interact socially comfortably. Here's hoping! I think it will work out just fine.
Sigh.... watching crystals grow. So fun. Its kinda like going to Six Flags, or seeing an Action - Adventure movie, except its even more thrilling.
I am going to dinner tonight with some friends and then tomorrow is boxing, hurrah. I skipped last week because I felt like ass, so I am excited for this week's class.
I am also very excited to go dancing because it will be the first time since my leg has gotten better.
Meeting Aaron's sister this weekend was cool. She is different than I expected, and though I can see similarities between the two of them I kinda expected her to be more like Aaron. I wonder what he will think of my family (parents). We are planning that I might go with him at Xmas to meet his mom. I think that will be really cool. She sounds like a really neat woman, and since I like both of her kids a lot, I imagine we will get on mahvelously.
I am trying to become disciplined and quit the apt search until Aaron and I get back from Colorado. I think it would be good for my psyche. So far I have been unable to keep myself from going to the websites but I am hoping with discipline I will be able to resist. If any of you see me trying to look up apartment listings slap me on the hand or something.
I wish that he was (were?) a planner too so that I could just ask him to do it, but he isn't, so until it seems like we it is absolutely necessary for us to look he probably won't. I don't fault him for it any more than he faults me for being psycho planning woman. Its just the way we are.
Its interesting trying to figure out why people are the way that they are. Two of my friends are of the opinion that I may be a highly functioning ADD person. Apparently I exhibit many of the patterns of behavior both ascribed to this disorder, and suggested as coping mechanisms for it.
I dunno. In any event, if I am, so far it hasn't really hurt me any. I am a little manic sometimes and have a difficult time working sometimes, but it really hasn't ruined my working life or my social relationships.
I am going dancing this weekend at Manray and to the Matrix afterward. It should be fun. I am going to get all gothed up and Aaron couldn't be more excited. I accused him of wanting to show me off, and he said "Is that bad?" I told him I guessed not.
I am a bit curious to see how the evening will go. I will be interacting with someone I haven't seen in a long time, and relations were very strained between the two of us for a while (to put it mildly). I am hoping that the two of us can have fun and find a way to interact socially comfortably. Here's hoping! I think it will work out just fine.
Sigh.... watching crystals grow. So fun. Its kinda like going to Six Flags, or seeing an Action - Adventure movie, except its even more thrilling.
I am going to dinner tonight with some friends and then tomorrow is boxing, hurrah. I skipped last week because I felt like ass, so I am excited for this week's class.
I am also very excited to go dancing because it will be the first time since my leg has gotten better.
Meeting Aaron's sister this weekend was cool. She is different than I expected, and though I can see similarities between the two of them I kinda expected her to be more like Aaron. I wonder what he will think of my family (parents). We are planning that I might go with him at Xmas to meet his mom. I think that will be really cool. She sounds like a really neat woman, and since I like both of her kids a lot, I imagine we will get on mahvelously.
Experiment take 2153
So I am going to try to run my experiment again. Hopefully this time we will have no leaking of the tubes in the tank. I am also hoping that this morning my crystals have all dissolved so I can start anew.
For some reason I feel all jittery. I don't know why I am nervous but I am.
I am so excited about taking Aaron to CO. I can't wait for him to meet everybody. But I am really sad that everybody does not really include everybody. Four of the people I really want him to meet are not going to be in town:
1) does not have enough vaca
2) has to finish thesis
3) is already working at camp
4) is closing on a house
Oh well that's the way the cookie crumbles. So far fun things planned:
1) party at Scotts
2) six flags
3) white water rafting
Yay!
More bulletins as events warrant...
For some reason I feel all jittery. I don't know why I am nervous but I am.
I am so excited about taking Aaron to CO. I can't wait for him to meet everybody. But I am really sad that everybody does not really include everybody. Four of the people I really want him to meet are not going to be in town:
1) does not have enough vaca
2) has to finish thesis
3) is already working at camp
4) is closing on a house
Oh well that's the way the cookie crumbles. So far fun things planned:
1) party at Scotts
2) six flags
3) white water rafting
Yay!
More bulletins as events warrant...
Poll and viewer lj handle
[Poll #108488]
I would like to make my entries from now on friends only. If you are a friend of mine who doesnt; have an lj-handle please email me and I will give you a login for lj that will allow you to view this journal as a friend.
I would like to make my entries from now on friends only. If you are a friend of mine who doesnt; have an lj-handle please email me and I will give you a login for lj that will allow you to view this journal as a friend.
late night musings
Weekend was terrific. I really enjoyed Intercon C. I played in many cool LARPS including (Prawn the larp in a pool). I got to see some people that I have enjoyed Larping with in the past.
It was odd going to a con with
a) a boyfriend...
b) who was there...
c) that I don't see much anymore and wanted to spend time with
d) at a dry con with not many people whom i know (dry = no alcohol)
Usually the people I don't know thing is not a problem. I chat, I bond... but at this con it was more important to me to spend itme with him so I really did do less of that. I also got more sleep than every other con I have been to including APO (Alpha Phi Omega) and SWE (Society of Women Engineers) weird.
I enjoyed it but it was a very different experience. I am still getting used to short larps and trying to use these experiences to ask my st's for things I think would improve our chronicle one... I love to be helpful :)
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Hypoglychemia....
I have been crashing a little more recently.
Recently both my boyfriend and my good friend and neighbor have noticed me acting less enthusiastic, looking pale, altogether behaving weirdly.
I know it weirds both of them out. Sugar crashes (when my blood sugar gets way too low) really weird me out too. Recently the ones I have had have been less bad. They have not been the kind where if someone doesn't give me something to eat soon I can't stand upright. I haven't been quite as dizzy or disoriented.
But I still have had many of these symptoms to a lesser degree.
I have been told that its very scary to see me go thorugh this.
I start off been fairly ok, often even energetic and then boom... I am no longer ok.
What I have actually noticed most is the mood swings I get. I will be sitting there and suddenly have the urge to bite someone's head off for no good reason. I wonder if this is why in highschool I was known to have such a bad temper. At these times I usually catch myself and quell it, then I get something to eat.
So for friends of me here is how this works...
If you see me like this please do the following:
1) say "Are you allright? You are looking kind of pale. Would you like to (fill in with... sit down, have something to drink, have something to eat, fuck... you know whatever is appropriate to the situation (ok am just kidding about the fucking if I could cure blood sugar that way I would be a happy happy woman)
2) give me hug and help me out with what I need
3) Do not freak out... I will not die and I will not need to go to the hospital, In these situations I just need a little TLC. I know all of you can provide this.
I hope that this helps my friends cope with this.
Data base is almost finished for cam stuff... YAY!!! I am so indebted to zsquirrelboy for his help.
I am trying to get missouri friends on lj. It is very frustrating.
I hate being an insomniac.
I hope my new wheelie backpack is helpful and that my tax return comes in soon.
It was odd going to a con with
a) a boyfriend...
b) who was there...
c) that I don't see much anymore and wanted to spend time with
d) at a dry con with not many people whom i know (dry = no alcohol)
Usually the people I don't know thing is not a problem. I chat, I bond... but at this con it was more important to me to spend itme with him so I really did do less of that. I also got more sleep than every other con I have been to including APO (Alpha Phi Omega) and SWE (Society of Women Engineers) weird.
I enjoyed it but it was a very different experience. I am still getting used to short larps and trying to use these experiences to ask my st's for things I think would improve our chronicle one... I love to be helpful :)
****************************************************************************************************************************************
Hypoglychemia....
I have been crashing a little more recently.
Recently both my boyfriend and my good friend and neighbor have noticed me acting less enthusiastic, looking pale, altogether behaving weirdly.
I know it weirds both of them out. Sugar crashes (when my blood sugar gets way too low) really weird me out too. Recently the ones I have had have been less bad. They have not been the kind where if someone doesn't give me something to eat soon I can't stand upright. I haven't been quite as dizzy or disoriented.
But I still have had many of these symptoms to a lesser degree.
I have been told that its very scary to see me go thorugh this.
I start off been fairly ok, often even energetic and then boom... I am no longer ok.
What I have actually noticed most is the mood swings I get. I will be sitting there and suddenly have the urge to bite someone's head off for no good reason. I wonder if this is why in highschool I was known to have such a bad temper. At these times I usually catch myself and quell it, then I get something to eat.
So for friends of me here is how this works...
If you see me like this please do the following:
1) say "Are you allright? You are looking kind of pale. Would you like to
2) give me hug and help me out with what I need
3) Do not freak out... I will not die and I will not need to go to the hospital, In these situations I just need a little TLC. I know all of you can provide this.
I hope that this helps my friends cope with this.
Data base is almost finished for cam stuff... YAY!!! I am so indebted to zsquirrelboy for his help.
I am trying to get missouri friends on lj. It is very frustrating.
I hate being an insomniac.
I hope my new wheelie backpack is helpful and that my tax return comes in soon.
musings...
Today was an awesome day barring the 4 count them 4 hours on the bus.
I got a geodynamics/generals project.
For those just tuning in I will explain....
for my PhD in Geophysics I need to do two generals projects. These must be pratically publishable projects that I then defend. If I successfully defend them and show general knowledge then I get to move on to my dissertation.
So I have a neat project lined up where I am looking at pores in thin sections which will be followed by fluid flow modeling. This are thin sections from hyrdothermal vents... the coolness of this is unbelievable.
So the upshot is I have a fairly good notion of what this year brings at least research wise and I am excited about it. More information will assuredly be coming on this topic.
I got a geodynamics/generals project.
For those just tuning in I will explain....
for my PhD in Geophysics I need to do two generals projects. These must be pratically publishable projects that I then defend. If I successfully defend them and show general knowledge then I get to move on to my dissertation.
So I have a neat project lined up where I am looking at pores in thin sections which will be followed by fluid flow modeling. This are thin sections from hyrdothermal vents... the coolness of this is unbelievable.
So the upshot is I have a fairly good notion of what this year brings at least research wise and I am excited about it. More information will assuredly be coming on this topic.