(no subject)

Was I mislead... no apparently not. After all the theatrics it looks like someone else was confused. I can't imagine how that person is going to feel once everything gets straightened out. One of my friends asked me yesterday why I care.... I always pass myself off as so self-centered. he said. Well maybe its because its an act. Its hard for me to deal with the fact that people get hurt all the time, Especially in situations when it seems obvious to me what course of action could have avoided these things.

What scares me though is that I have felt myself getting more callous towards certain people in my life. I don't want this to happen. I dont want to become hardened, ok that's a lie sometimes I do. Sometimes I would really like it if I were not up at night worrying about the people I care about and their problems. Where is the happy medium? Where on this continuum can I find balance?

Appropos of nothing... or rather appropos of a conversation I had last night with a friend: I wish people would believe me when I am trying to be honest and open. Everyone says that they want people to be more honest with them. When you are honest though they look for a hidden message or hidden agenda. For example: I do not sleep well next to people. End of story. Why? Maybe its because I am a really light sleeper. I wake up every morning to the sound of my roommate stirring her tea. I have thought of asking her to use a metal spoon for this reason and then decided that this is a bit unreasonable. I remember several mornings when I woke up to the sound of my roommate buttering her toast. I also decided in this case thar yelling about it would be unreasonable. I am doing better now with the sleeping pills and the earplugs. But I still often wake up becausse someone's breathing cadence changes. The moral of this story is that everyone that I explain this to takes it personally. Its _not_ personal. Its just a problem I have.

People, I know that apparently its hard to tell when I am joking. So I am going to make a bargain with the void. I will preface important statements that you should trust with some kind of trust inducing phrase like "Ok, I am being serious now, here is something you should know." If you, members of the void, will agree to please try to believe me and accept the fact that I am being straight forward and honest. Please do this for me.

More about being a light sleeper. My mom is a light sleeper... you don't flush the toilets at night in a house with a light sleeper. My mom is the lightest sleeper I have ever met. You let a cabinet door swing shut on its own accord in the basement? My mother wakes up two stories above. So I grew up in a house with people trying to be as quiet and silent as possible. Is it any wonder that I ended up like this? Now I don't expect my houseguests to try to be super quiet. Thats why I wear earplugs now which really help. So don't get all super concerned if you crash at my place. Just understand why I get up several times a night. Especially in a city where there are loud unexpected noises all the time.

(no subject)

inside me a core of pain
threatens to draw tears down my cheeks
tugging at me
i feel there is risk of implosion
all i want to do is
crawl inside of myself and hide
all i want to feel is numb
and the empty dreamless dark
of deep sleep
sun brings no cheer
and i feel so cold
drawing the covers over me
world held at bay
i can collapse into
the pain which in its own way
is a relief

Weekend

On Sat I was supposed to go to game with some friends. I was looking forward to it, but before I left I had told one of my friends that if she needed someone to be with to call me and I would stay. She called and so I did. At first I was disappointed but I knew that if I had gone and found out later that she needed me that I would have felt guilt for years. I would rather be there for her.

I got to her house and she said, "Let's go dancing tonight, I need to blow off some energy." You could have pushed me over with a feather. This is one of my friends that doesn't like crowded, loud places so I was shocked to hell. We then proceeded to have a great afternoon. We had pizza at a cool veg place and got to witness the sound check for the band tha was going to be performing there later. We were so impressed that we both bought an album... Sam Shepard.... she rules. We went shopping and got some icecream. Then a long and nice walk home. After that a movie, Best in Show. After the movie was over and we were just shooting the shit I was having such a great time. If she had said lets just hang out here I wouldn't have been disappointed at all for not going dancing. But we went and had a blast. We looked even more like the freaks of the week than usual because I didn't realize until five minutes before we left that it was not goth night. Thats ok... turns out she is amazing at black light free hand tatoos and everyone in the place was asking me where I got mine done.

I think we were both glad that we spent the evening together.

Then yesterday I spent most of the day reading and falling asleep until another friend came over to watch Godfather. Omg. Great Flick. See it. No trust me just see it. Totally worthwhile.

And now I am back at work and wish I were back in bed reading. Oh well.

Hmmmm.....

Loving this new album by Sam Shepard... not the playwright the female vocalist. Its called Eighty Numbered Streets. It has kind of a country rock sound to it. Like Cowboy Mouth. Which I also love. And if you don't like Cowboy Mouth you can kiss my ass because they rule. Another cd of the week is the Nick Drake one I burned from a friend of mine.

Today I ripped a cd for the first time. According to a long time friend of mine this makes me a music pirate. He is going to call me lovely assistant Hook from now on instead of just lovely assistant. The rest of you may call me Hook as well. Or your excellency.. I answer to both.

In the end it seems to boil down to this anyway... music that you like, doing things you like (like going dancing), and spending time with people you like. Yesterday a girlfriend and I watched the godfather as I mentioned earlier. This morning I got a message from her saying how much that made her relax and what a great time she had. I was pleased because I had a great time too. And that is the magic moment. In the end if I were to die today I could say the following things: I know that I have shown love and care to my family, I know that I have inspired some to do something great, I know that I have helped some teach themselves. and I know that I have had many wonderful moments with friends. And to me that is exactly the same list I would like to have for my whole life. In the end it is those things that matter.

I would like to think that someday I might through my work help find wate for a third world country, or revolutionize the field of something, but in the end I will be happy to have been a good friend, a good daughter, and someone who makes a difference in even a small way in someone's life.

So stop the retching already. I know this is sappy. But sometimes sap is true. In my case it is right now.

I think I need to start being nicer to people. I started to imagine the other night what it would feel like if I was someone that I have been teasing and I even thought for a moment that I was serious. It would feel like shit. I don't ever mean the mean things I say but I don't think many people realize this. So I am going to try to be a little softer from now on. Help remind me guys.